Be careful what you wish for

          I've been wishing to leave home or the country if possible, ever since I was 16. I have never given up this dream, whilst everyone was growing up around me, setting their ways and planning their lives, all I could do was to imagine myself away from everyone and everything, to start fresh. I always felt that given the opportunity to start anew I would do so much better. And I kept wishing, even though friends, neighbours I knew ever since I was a kid were leaving the country before me and that would make me incredibly jealous. How can they make it and I can't. How come they can risk it all, have they never thought what they would if they were to fail? Cause that's all I was thinking about. Even if I were to risk it all and leave, all I could think of was the disappointment those around me would feel if I didn't make it. So I kept quiet, I kept wishing, kept dreaming. I started throwing hooks here and there maybe someone will bite and what would you know, someone did. Apparently I managed to talk my way into a job in the UK, granted I was helped by my experience at the same company in my country, but still I got promoted, flight paid for, accommodation paid for the first month so no risk. Finally, I thought, I made it, I can make it 3-4 years working abroad and I can save enough money to at least not pay 30 years of mortgage but only 10 which is still better than nothing. The possibilities seemed endless. And yet here I am after almost 2 months and feel even lonelier than I did back home. Feeling more depressed and still dreaming of winning the lottery or becoming famous by doing something... unfortunately being famous is off the table considering I have no popular talents, so have to keep dreaming on winning the lottery. Hell it took me 10 years to achieve my first dream, by the time I am 35 I'll be a millionaire because I have won the lottery.

I guess what's really bothering me is that I can't seem to manage to fit in no matter where I am and who the people around me are. So I guess I am the problem, but I don't see what problem actually is? I am friendly, I am chatty, I am considerate and I always try to be a people pleaser. Apparently works best is not to give a fuck and people just line up to be your friend, but I am not that sort of person. I always care what people think, of me, of what I do. I live to please even if it's to make myself come second. I do enjoy the appraisal of others, although I am having trouble believing them and I am afraid to accept any compliments, as it probably makes it easier on me if I disappoint that person, at least I can say, I told you I was no good, but you kept pushing. Or it may be because I don't think I deserve any praise even though people truly and honestly think I have done well.

I am a walking contradiction.