Another

My mind is blank
My soul is at war
I hear a knocking at the door
I open and I see a composite of myself
Made up of broken dreams and promises
There they all are, like dusty books on a shelf
Never finished, never used, never…
Trying to find something to say, something clever
The view is maddening and violent
As he sits there silent
Yet incomplete he seems, missing a limb or two
As if I am not finished
More dreams to kill, more promises to break
As if I will make the same mistake
Over and over again
Going in circles
Tied to a pole with a chain
Like Dorian’s portrait, he stood there and I wondered
Is he real, just so I can keep my sanity?
If I destroy him, would I go crazy, or would I be free?
Would I kill myself or would it be lobotomy?
Would I forget everything, or would it all flood my memory?
A twitch of his arm awakes me
And I muster up to say – Go to hell-
And disappears, but not before he says
-I’ll wait for you there-

Be careful what you wish for

          I've been wishing to leave home or the country if possible, ever since I was 16. I have never given up this dream, whilst everyone was growing up around me, setting their ways and planning their lives, all I could do was to imagine myself away from everyone and everything, to start fresh. I always felt that given the opportunity to start anew I would do so much better. And I kept wishing, even though friends, neighbours I knew ever since I was a kid were leaving the country before me and that would make me incredibly jealous. How can they make it and I can't. How come they can risk it all, have they never thought what they would if they were to fail? Cause that's all I was thinking about. Even if I were to risk it all and leave, all I could think of was the disappointment those around me would feel if I didn't make it. So I kept quiet, I kept wishing, kept dreaming. I started throwing hooks here and there maybe someone will bite and what would you know, someone did. Apparently I managed to talk my way into a job in the UK, granted I was helped by my experience at the same company in my country, but still I got promoted, flight paid for, accommodation paid for the first month so no risk. Finally, I thought, I made it, I can make it 3-4 years working abroad and I can save enough money to at least not pay 30 years of mortgage but only 10 which is still better than nothing. The possibilities seemed endless. And yet here I am after almost 2 months and feel even lonelier than I did back home. Feeling more depressed and still dreaming of winning the lottery or becoming famous by doing something... unfortunately being famous is off the table considering I have no popular talents, so have to keep dreaming on winning the lottery. Hell it took me 10 years to achieve my first dream, by the time I am 35 I'll be a millionaire because I have won the lottery.

I guess what's really bothering me is that I can't seem to manage to fit in no matter where I am and who the people around me are. So I guess I am the problem, but I don't see what problem actually is? I am friendly, I am chatty, I am considerate and I always try to be a people pleaser. Apparently works best is not to give a fuck and people just line up to be your friend, but I am not that sort of person. I always care what people think, of me, of what I do. I live to please even if it's to make myself come second. I do enjoy the appraisal of others, although I am having trouble believing them and I am afraid to accept any compliments, as it probably makes it easier on me if I disappoint that person, at least I can say, I told you I was no good, but you kept pushing. Or it may be because I don't think I deserve any praise even though people truly and honestly think I have done well.

I am a walking contradiction.

Lost

I find myself once again lost and without patience.I can't talk to a friend and I can't talk to my girl nor can I talk to any of my parents, because truthfully, I wouldn't know where to begin and how could they even help me.I am not old nor am I extremely young, I'm just at an age where society shows me that by now I should know what I want to do, an age where I am already on my path, and yet I see no road in front of me, no directions and I am certainly losing hope. In the past years I have had a few glimpses of what I could be, though that faded away quickly when I looked at people around me and saw that they were at a further milestone in their life whilst I haven't even reached the first one, whatever that would be.Honestly, I'm still waiting and maybe hoping that something great or awesome, unique even, will happen to me and I truly want to happen as fast as possible, because as I was saying I am losing my patience and I may shutdown soon, lose all hope and all those around me.Also it is so bothering and frustrating when people give you advice but no solution. They think of their life of their chances and think their experience apply to your life.They could just help you out, give a start in life, but no, they just run their mouths thinking they are extremely intelligent because luck got them where they are.

Surpassed in madness

To write in my native language or to write in English, well since I started in English, I guess I already made my choice.Haven't written my thoughts about anything in a long time, however it's late now, about 2 A.M. and decided it would be a good time to write something. A lot has happened lately and don't really know what to make of it.I've talked about him in a poem of mine and how he was/is always the first to everything since he is the first born, he has managed to do what I always wanted, but was too afraid of the consequences.No need to go into details and what he did and what I didn't , not most of them were good things and yet he was never considered a bad person, and I didn't do those bad things, always tried to keep a straight line, tried to please everyone and yet I managed to upset a bunch of people.I guess, that, he was surrounded by people who were more understanding, either that or closed their eyes hoping it will all get better for him, while in my corner, everytime I went the wrong way someone was there to let me know or to force more likey to go back to  the correct path(whatever that was).He managed to surpass me in insanity as well, I thought that at least I had my insanity, no one could take that away from me.I thought that only I talk to myself, that only I cry when no one is looking, still while I was doing these things, he was gathering everything in a very small cauldron, broken hopes, they went in, failed plans, in they go, and as years passed by, friends betrayed him, his little world came crumbling down when he realized he is not what he thought he was, when those around him started to pressure him in getting his life on track, and quit his dreams and hopes and embrace mediocrity,the cauldron cracked.The person I thought to be so strong, the person I thought to be a risk taker and a very lucky man, THE PERSON I THOUGHT somehow will manage to get rich even though education was an issue for him, he was educated in other things like life, or so he thought.I guess he thought that being schooled on the streets will take him far, he will manage to find that small oportunity that will make him struck oil sort of speak.I know this may not make much sense to anyone who comes upon this text, these words, I mean c'mon this text is basically 2-3 very long sentences, but you can't really put a period after every thought since they are all connected.It angers me that he surpased me in madness, and maybe it shouldn't because I've seen how his world crumbled down, how those around him went down with him, and do I really wish that on those around me as well? I guess not, though more than once I made clear my intentions of going crazy while he didn't, no one would suspect that from him, and I guess everyone thought I would screw up.Well I figure it's true what it is said, that the silent types are those who are more likely to crack, those who say they do, don't, and those who don't say, DO.We'll talk more when time will allow and when I will need to vent. Till than, life still sucks, haven't found a way to make it more pleasent, I keep complaining and I keep struggling, more than others and less than others.

Another thought or more

Either I like to complain a lot or life really is frustrating.Maybe it seems so to me because I'm in an inferior position or at least that's how I feel and everything seems unfair and equality lacks most of the times.We are all responsible of our own lives and the actions we take however it seems that some had a few more chances than other, were offered things that others have to either work for or may never have in their life.Now that is frustrating for me and maybe to you too and sometimes I can cope with it and sometimes I just want to yell and break stuff , I feel so much anger, anger that never comes out and stays bottled up.If I would have more patience maybe things would be better, If I could only be able to see the big picture, to have a perspective on the future, but the matter of the fact is that I don t have a perspective, I don't have a plan , I have absolutely no idea what the future will bring.And while I worry about everything and complain about stuff others have a more fun life, fun as I wish mine would be, but I'm not a risk taker, I'm the kind of guy who likes to play it safe and that doesn t work out good as often as I would hope.Just consider these words my punches in the wall, I may be right I may be wrong but this is my brain acting out and I can't stop it.

Murdering Thoughts

This is a blog that I will never publicise in anyway, if you happen to stumble upon this your in luck because we may have some things in common and you may enjoy what you read here or it may be unfortunate for you because you will read something that may either scare you or not be to your taste.In any case these are my thoughts and fingers move faster than a pen might so this is why they are online.

I used to think I'm special, I used to think that something I can do was something special and no one can do it as good as me, but lately I'm starting to think I'm kidding myself because I look around and I see so many people younger than that can do the same thing and those around them think oh that is so interesting you are so smart or I think is more the other way around, what I used to do best now becomes normal something that anyone can do easily, well I think that is a misconception because you can't tell from one encounter or two how good that person is at doing that thing.As you can see I'm avoiding saying what I'm good at or at least think so, because to most it may seem stupid or like I said before, normal, but when I was young it made me special it made me interesting, now I feel like a wash out , the world is moving faster than I can comprehend it.Are you special when you have to WORK for what would apparently make you special?I'm not saying it's something wrong in working, it's just that to be special is to be born special, to have a talent which later on you can develop but how can someone do that when that someone wasn t even given a chance?I don't want to be average, I don't want to be that kind of person of whom people say "Oh he lived a good life, he was quiet, kept to himself, had a nice family, bla bla bla , AVERAGE!!!!!!!" I wanna be someone that people can think of and wonder and say " Oh wow yea him, of course I remember him, awesome guy, crazy dude , fun guy" I guess I really want to be known to be remembered for years to come, but I'm guessing those kind of people are born one in a million and I wasn't in that one million.Still...

The only hope

Morning shows her beauty to the faces of those who woke bright and early , only to one the light doesn't shine for he is still sleeping , had a rough night. His wife called him a loser and that he will never amount to anything, this day he was going to try and prove her wrong.
The alarm clock goes off he gets out of bed with a determined look on his face he does his daily ritual, goes to the bathroom washes his face brushes his teeth takes a shower and than starts thinking what to do to prove his wife wrong, the wife that left him. He remembered about this gun he used to have , he takes it fills it with bullets and thinks to rob a bank and kidnap his wife and go to a lovely place only for themselves.
With his mind set he's off to the bank with a sky mask and a gun hidden in his jacket.
On the street he felt like he was alone , felt different , like he didn’t t belong everyone was watching him , analyzing the way he looks walks he looked very suspicious.
He arrives at the bank , every eye was on him , he hesitated for a moment but still managed to pull the gun out his jacket and shouts with a shivering voice, like he was scared:
-Nobody move , this is a heist.
So they listen , they didn’t t move , they were as scared as the robber was as well. Our man went to the bank manager and asked him to put all the money in a bag. The bank manager had a drop of courage and tried to sound the alarm , but our robber hand itchy finger and pulled the trigger wounding the manager.
Blood was everywhere , the smell was inviting , something weird was happening , the eyes of those in the bank turned red , their fangs started to grow they seemed to be very hungry. They jumped on the bank manager and started devouring him , and manager in return was doing the same. Our thief was scared out of his mind he froze ,he started shooting randomly but no one seemed to fall anymore , they were more enticed and smelled the fear of our man. He tried to run but no luck the door was blocked and those in the bank started eating him up too , started from his neck and went down to his arms and legs his veins were straws to his blood supply. For you see while our robber was sleeping a terrible virus was unleashed upon the world , a virus that was meant for cell regeneration developed in a virus that made men into beasts. The thief was the only one who wasn’t infected , he was the only hope for humans to survive , he was the antidote but insecurity and the love of a woman drove him to madness and thus the human is no more.